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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Yes, this is for real...

The listing below is copied from an eBay auction. An agency called the Westwood Literary Agency has decided to auction off their services to the highest bidder. OMG, tell me it isn't true!

Below is the actual auction listing...with a few additions. "Translations" in purple, all caps and in brackets [] are mine. Enjoy!

Don't believe it's for real? Check it out for yourself! CLICK HERE Or read about it on Writer Beware.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bid for a literary agent for your manuscript

[HEADING IN RED. HOW APPROPRIATE.]

As a UK literary agency, we are offering you a one-time chance to get your manuscript noticed [ISN’T THAT KIND OF US? YOU’D BETTER HURRY, OR YOU’LL LOSE THIS AMAZING OPPORTUNITY!]

NO READING FEE OR ANY OTHER COSTS FOR YOU INVOLVED [UH...OUTSIDE OF WHATEVER ATTROCIOUS AMOUNT YOU HAD TO BID TO WIN. BUT THAT DOESN'T TECHNICALLY QUALIFY AS A "READING FEE" RIGHT?]


We are offering this chance because

a.) we are taking in new authors, [TRANSLATION: OUR AD IN THE BACK OF WRITER’S JOURNALS AREN’T DELIVERING ENOUGH SUCKERS ANYMORE SO WE’RE HUNTING FOR GAME IN A NEW JUNGLE...]

b.) we are dissatisfied with the quality of the current manuscript submissions and [YES, AND SURELY, IF YOU ARE THE WINNING BIDDER, YOUR MANUSCRIPT MUST BE OF TOP QUALITY BECAUSE YOU’RE RICH...RIGHT?]

c.) we have decided to try this as a new marketing technique to attract new talent [TRANSLATION: SEE ABOVE. THE RESULTS FROM OUR TRADITIONAL ADVERTISING EFFORTS ARE PETERING OUT, THANKS TO ALL THOSE FRIGGIN’ "WRITERS BEWARE" SITES...SO WE’RE FORCED TO TRY SOMETHING NEW.]


FOR INFORMATION ON OUR AGENCY, PLEASE VISIT US ON
www.westwood-agency.uk.tt
[SEE? WE HAVE A WEBSITE. THAT MAKES US LEGIT. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT]

Please note: this is not a scam. [AND IF YOU BELIEVE THAT, WE HAVE SOME PRIME REAL ESTATE TO SELL YOU...]Upon winning, you will receive a revision contract [NOTE: REVISION CONTRACT. NOT CONTRACT FOR REPRESENTATION. OUR ATTORNEY TOLD US TO WORD IT THAT WAY TO AVOID LAWSUITS], free manuscript revision and will work together with us towards improving your manuscript to make it more appealing to potential publishers [TO THE BEST OF OUR ABILITEE...ER, ABILETE...ER ABILITY], after which you will be taken into the client database for a whole year [YES, YOUR MANUSCRIPT WILL BE PROVIDED WITH ITS OWN SLOT ON OUR ENORMOUS DATABASE SO THAT IF--ER, WHEN--EDITORS COME KNOCKING ON OUR VIRTUAL DOOR, THEY CAN FIND YOUR MANUSCRIPT...YEAH, RIGHTTTTT] and your manuscript will be made available to publishers in the UK and the US. [SURE. IT’S AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE, BUT IT’S NOT LIKE WE’RE GOING TO ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING TO LET ANY PUBLISHERS KNOW ABOUT IT...LIKE PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL THEM. WHAT DO YOU THINK WE ARE? A LITERARY AGENCY? OH, YEAH. HEH HEH. BUT WE’RE STILL NOT GOING TO CALL THEM. OR EVEN STUFF COPIES IN ENVELOPES LABELED WITH THE WRONG EDITORS’ NAMES AND MAIL THEM TO EVERY INAPPROPRIATE HOUSE IN THE US AND UK. THAT COSTS TOO MUCH MONEY. WHICH MEANS WE WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO GET THE NEW ASTON MARTIN WE’VE BEEN LUSTING OVER.]


If this is what you've always dreamed of, this is your chance to become a published writer. [AND AS IS THE TRADITION OF ALL GOOD SCAMMERS, WE REALLY ENJOY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF PEOPLES’ DREAMS]


Terms and Conditions:
Bids will only be accepted from authors who have a finished or nearly finished manuscript written in English. [BECAUSE THE INTERN WE HAD WHO SPOKE SPANISH WENT TO WORK FOR A REAL LITERARY AGENCY]Poor grammar or spelling mistakes will not be corrected [BECAUSE THAT WOULD REQUIRE US TO ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT WE’RE DOING] and we reserve the right to terminate our agreement at any time upon which a full refund will be provided. [IF YOU CAN CHASE US DOWN...WE GET A NEW PO BOX EVERY MONTH.]

The highest bidder may cancel this agreement within 7 days of winning and a full refund will be provided within 2 business days. [AGAIN, IF YOU SEND US A LETTER VIA CERTIFIED MAIL ON THE FIFTH SUNDAY OF FEBRUARY, DURING A FULL MOON. AND ONLY THEN IF WE FEEL LIKE IT.]

As a fiction and non-fiction agency, we accept most genres. [BECAUSE IF WE LIMITED THEM, THEN WE WOULDN’T FIND ENOUGH SUCKERS--ER, CLIENTS] Please feel free to contact us in advance with any queries. [AND CHECKS MADE OUT TO CASH AND PAID IN US FUNDS ARE ALWAYS WELCOME]

Payment: [THE GOOD PART]

Payment must be made within 5 days of winning the auction. [SO THAT WE CAN START ANOTHER AUCTION AND TAKE SOME OTHER AUTHOR WANNA-BE FOR A RIDE] You will hear from us within 1 business day [BECAUSE WE CAN’T WAIT TO GET OUR HANDS ON YOUR MONEY--ER, MANUSCRIPT] to give you instructions with regards to how to send your manuscript [WHAT THE HECK DO WE NEED THAT FOR? OH, YEAH.]. Should you wish to prepare it in advance, please make it double-spaced and prepare a detailed synopsis. [WE DON’T BOTHER WITH MORE SPECIFIC DIRECTIONS BECAUSE WE DON’T INTEND TO READ IT ANYWAY.]


Please email us with questions.
We look forward to hearing from you soon. [BID HIGH AND BID OFTEN!]

posted by Tawny Taylor at 9:18 PM |

4 Comments:

Commented by Blogger Jen:


OMG! LOL!! I was rolling when I read this! Great responses, Tawny. How depressing that this works for some people.
Great blog topic.


5:00 PM 
Commented by Blogger Kristen Painter:


Good thing I just got an agent or I'd be all over this like white on rice.

NOT.


5:24 PM 
Commented by Blogger Loribelle Hunt:


Omg lol! I can't believe fall for that stuff. Nice snark. ;)


8:17 PM 
Commented by Blogger Sam:


Saw this over at Writer Beware - what a bunch of losers this agency is!! Thank goodness no one fell for it - either writers are getting smarter or they are starting to do their homework...(and therefor getting smarter!)


3:26 AM 

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